SEO Strategies 100% GUARANTEED To Get Top Rankings in “The Google”

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Guaranteed strategies to rank in the top of Google
Guaranteed strategies to rank in the top of Google

I get asked regularly what the best strategies are to guarantee top rankings in the Google.  Although SEOs like to keep it a secret, here is what we all know and do to get top rankings in the Google guaranteed 100%.  The truth is that many SEO firms will tell you that doing proper SEO is an ongoing process and that isn’t accurate.  You only have to SEO your site using one of the following methods, one time and you’ll be ranking your site in the top of the Google in no time at all.  Don’t let someone scam you out of monthly money or bad SEO techniques again, here is how to guarantee top the Google rankings with strategic and guaranteed techniques.  (Disclosure: read until the end of this post under the huge one below sign or skip to the end before you read the strategies).   

Automated link building – Using automated link builders are a great strategy.  How else can you build hundreds and sometimes thousands of backlinks in a day.  Since all backlinks are good, these blog comments and forum posts are amazing for your SEO and will 100% guarantee top rankings in the Google.  Especially if it is one comment and you never go back and participate within the community.  The comment doesn’t even have to be relevant.  Of course having massive amounts of no follow links won’t hurt you…no one has ever said that.

Article Sites for easy backlinks – There have never been updates going after article sites like the post here that shows an update and lists article sites loosing 90% of their traffic.  This is a great way to build backlinks because you can easily give them to yourself and only have to write an article.  With some you can even keep posting the same articles with the same links.  That is never able to be found, especially if the Google is doing a manual audit.

Directory submission – Directory submissions are perfect because you can submit one time using a service and it will drive a ton of backlinks.  There are also no articles that talk about them being bad like this one that give examples.

Social Media sites for backlinks – There are a ton of social media sites that give you backlinks and all you have to do is create a profile.  It’s really easy and you can generate a ton of them.  Ignore that they can actually be good for ORM because this is about backlinks and you get tons of backlinks for free.

Blog commenting – This is a goldmine for backlinks.  You can leave a comment and it gets you a link.  Check out the post we linked to above since no one would ever write this is a bad practice that could get your site penalized.

Using the same color font as your background – No one wants to have to have a ton of copy helping to increase your conversions or to benefit the website, so why not hide it at the bottom of your page, fill it with tons of keywords and match the color of the font to the background of your template.  No one will see it except for the search engines so it’s a great way to get the content on your site without interfering with how the user sees it.   This post is clearly not from someone who would know.

Create everything in flash or Java and place words behind it – This has never resulted in sites being black listed from the search engines.  You can show a user one thing to create a good experience and a search engine another.  Again, there are no cases where this happened, even to a large brand.  Especially here and here.

Press release services – Press releases are great for SEO.  Guaranteed links in a fully trackable place and combined with an SEO neighborhood with irrelevant outbound links and articles sort of like an article site or content farm.  You can even choose the keyword rich links to use on some of them.  Press release sites are perfect for backlinks.

Repeat keywords over and over – Keyword stuffing your site and content is definitely not a bad idea.  I can include it over and over and over to let the Google know what the page is about.

Make sure your meta tags have every variation of every keyword you want to rank for – If your site is about a specific topic, make sure every page has every keyword and variation of the keywords in them.

Don’t forget, pointing a ton of do follow links to a page with a no follow link makes that no follow link do follow – By pointing do follow links at a page with a no follow link, that will definitely tell the Google that this was an error and it should be a do follow.  Those links will say the code is clearly wrong and not the webmaster that wanted it no follow because they didn’t trust the site, didn’t think it was relevant or didn’t think it would be around for a long time.

Find a page on your site that ranks and do a dynamic insert of your main phrase but leave the rest the same – If you have pages on your site that are ranking, take that exact page and duplicate it for every page with the exception of the keywords the page is ranking for.  Now dynamically insert that keyword because if it works for one page, it should work for your entire site.  It makes sense to have everything duplicate and not unique as well as the same everything on every page, even if it doesn’t make sense to the end user.

Don’t worry about…no one uses it anyways.

Use as many keyword rich footer links as possible – Don’t worry about stuffing keyword rich links in your footer or your copy.  It’s your site and you can link as much as you want.  It won’t decrease the authority the links can pass or be spammy.

Show as many ads above the fold and in your copy as possible, especially if they are Google Owned – Why wouldn’t Google want to make more money by having their own ads shown higher on a page making the content and solution found on the page harder to find.  I don’t think they would have a problem with it.

Set up a free blog on every network and make sure to give yourself a link – Since anyone can create a ton of urls and blogs and give yourself backlinks from high quality content, why not do it.  It’s not like everyone knows or looks for it and updating hundreds of blogs with unique high quality content is easy.  You can even post the same articles word for word across them if you want.

Go after blogs and websites that use services to turn no follow blog comments into do follow comments – Going after sites that use plug ins to make no follow comments do follow is a great way to get backlinks.  If Google is doing a manual audit and they see all links are created by you and not given by the site owners, that clearly wouldn’t be a bad thing.

Only build keyword rich backlinks, company name and natural links won’t help you with new algorithmsThere are no articles about this or people requesting links to get taken down because of low quality links and keyword rich links.

The site linking to you doesn’t have to be relevant, you only need a link – This is definitely an accurate one as well where no one would ever write differently.

So when I said guaranteed above, I meant that I can pretty much guarantee anything listed in this post will cause damage to your website’s health within the search engines if not done the right way.  At one point each could have worked and some were white hate and changed to grey hat then black hat techniques.  Some of the techniques above are still not bad if you use them the right way.

If you find a relevant directory that has traffic, is very niche, doesn’t link out to irrelevant sites and can send you customers, that could still possibly be good.  Guest posting, leaving comments and participating in forums or on blogs can help build your brand, find clients and drive leads so they can be good for business, but you need to keep going back and actually participate and add value.   Make sure they are not used for Backlinks.  Press releases can help you grow your company by having Bloggers and news sites pick up the story and post it giving you exposure and possibly driving customers.  Having your social media profiles covered so that no one can claim them can also be good for ORM, but be cautious of the links and how you use them.

With that said, I highly encourage you to avoid the techniques for SEO I mentioned above since I honestly believe almost everything there will cause damage, if not done the right way and some of them shouldn’t be done anymore at all.  At one point some of them were good, white or grey hat practices and some of them can still be good for your business and SEO if done right,,,so why am I writing this post?

All of the above techniques have been recommended to me by “SEO” firms that do “white hat SEO” for their clients.  The scariest part is that many of them charge more than I do which means I should probably be upping my prices.  DO NOT FOR ANY REASON USE ANY OF THE STRATEGIES IN THIS POST,  AND IF YOU DO USE SOME OF THEM BE VERY CAUTIOUS AND DO IT THE RIGHT WAY!  AGAIN, I DO NOT RECOMMEND USING THE STRATEGIES ABOVE!  Some of them were ok in the past, but they aren’t anymore.

This post is meant as a joke and I can pretty much guarantee they will not help you rank in the long run and if you get caught doing some of them, they can get your site penalized.  There are variations of some of the techniques which could possibly be good, but I recommend that you should stay away from using them.  Feel free to share your other favorite bad SEO techniques to help warn other SEOs and companies what they may want to try to avoid doing to help prevent getting hit by Google.

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2 thoughts on “SEO Strategies 100% GUARANTEED To Get Top Rankings in “The Google””

  1. haha.. good posting strategy.. your post title took my attention and make me read it until the last words.. Sorry my english bad, nice to read your post

    1. Hi Tikak,

      This post is meant to be sarcastic and help you know what you may want to avoid doing. I’m glad you enjoyed it and hope you were able to get something from it.


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